“We’re not getting a fair deal It was the most painful Father’s Day ever – and it’s a cautionary tale to other families who are happy

‘It’s not about the money or even the card – it’s about the recognition for all the hard work dads do to put food on the table and pay the mortgage’

By Quentin Fottrell

Dear Quentin,

I would like to tell you about the worst Father’s Day I ever had. It wasn’t because I got a crummy tie, or a card with a generic platitude, or even a mug with “Best Father in the World!” And as much as I would hate to go see Taylor Swift in concert, I would not object if it brought the rest of the family some happiness.

It was because my family forgot about Father’s Day.

It happened 10 years ago. I’m over it now, obviously, but it really upset me at the time. (I toned down my language for your column.) Just so you know. It’s not about the money or even the card – it’s about the recognition for all the hard work dads do to put food on the table and pay the mortgage. We sometimes get a raw deal!

Ten Years Later

Related: I married ‘the life of the party’ – but he’s different at home. He takes his money woes out on me and calls me a ‘gold digger’

Dear Ten Years Later,

Given that tickets for Taylor Swift’s most recent tour cost up to $900 or more, depending on the package, I’m glad you didn’t get those concert tickets for Father’s Day. I also have a funny feeling that ultimately you would be the one paying for them. Mugs and ties are the Father’s Day equivalent of flowers and chocolates for Mother’s Day – they’re a last-minute gift.

Let’s assume that you and your wife divide your responsibilities equally, and look at the broader picture of fathers and mothers in American society. Women still tend to do more of the “invisible” labor at home, despite more fathers stepping up to the plate in recent decades. They also take on more caretaking duties. That may explain why Mother’s Day is rarely forgotten.

Writer Emily Oster discusses the concept of invisible labor on her blog, Parent Data. “It’s the work – in our households especially – that has to happen but that no one sees,” she says. “It’s making the doctor’s appointment, ensuring the Valentine’s cards are purchased, remembering the milk.” It’s child care, cooking and cleaning, and all the stuff that gets done when you’re not looking.

“When we think about equity in household labor, we often find that there are already inequities in the visible work, and they can become insurmountable when the invisible work is added in,” she adds. A doctor’s appointment, Oster notes, involves remembering the appointment and telling a child’s school about the appointment, in addition to driving and waiting for the appointment.

“This is one of the most common sources of resentment, unhappiness, anger, in parents that I talk to,” she writes. “And when one person is doing the lion’s share of that work and doesn’t always feel acknowledged for it, it can bubble up, it can linger. It can cause our marriages, our relationships to be less than they would be otherwise.”

Parenting styles of moms and dads

That’s not to say father’s don’t sometimes get a raw deal. This study by the Pew Research Center found that “fathers are more likely than mothers to say they feel judged by their spouse or partner at least sometimes for how they parent their children, but mothers are more likely than fathers to say they feel judged by people other than their spouse or partner.”

But their respective concerns appear to vary. “Mothers and fathers are about equally likely to say being a parent is enjoyable and rewarding, but larger shares of mothers than fathers say parenting is tiring (47% vs. 34%) and stressful (33% vs. 24%) at least most of the time,” the study found. That could be because they take on more of the “emotional labor.”

Financial parenting styles between moms and dads also seem to vary, if you put any faith in social science. MassMutual’s latest Consumer Spending & Saving Survey concluded that fathers are more likely to teach their kids how to manage debt compared to mothers (46% vs. 38%). Meanwhile, mothers tend to have a higher level of influence on their kids as far as learning how to manage personal finances compared to fathers (59% vs. 53%).

I’m sorry that you were forgotten about. That’s not cool. But there is, perhaps, a reason why Father’s Day may get overlooked or not be such a big deal in some households from time to time. The marketing and advertising surrounding Mother’s Day starts earlier and, arguably, has more impact. Given that women – not men – give birth, it’s hard to begrudge mothers that.

And, yes, we collectively spend more on Mother’s Day than Father’s Day ($37 billion last year vs. $23 billion). The other mistake people tend to make when giving Father’s Day gifts is either being too glib (novelty underwear) or mixing up a gift that is actually for the entire family (an outdoor grill). Sometimes breakfast in bed and a thoughtfully written card is all that any dad really needs.